Signs & Mum
This is one I’ve meaning to write about for some time but haven’t had the time or been emotionally ready to see it in words. I replay it in my head often, have a tear and then get on with my day, but since it was all too very loud last night, so much so that I couldn’t sleep. So today is the day, I have time and well, the tears can leak out safely.
Most of us know that spirit leaves us signs.
Signs can be - Feathers, animals, coins, clouds, butterflies, thoughts, feelings, smells, electrical items doing weird things, songs, music, temperature changes, dreams and so on.
I have many of spirits on the other side and they all let me know they are there in their own unique ways. My Mother In Law/Bestie sends feathers and Willy Wagtails. My mate makes the smoke alarm go off in the weirdest of ways, the noise isn’t a normal smoke alarm beep rather a squawking sound. He was a loud guy, it’s rather fitting.
My mum’s are Kookaburras and Wrens, but I’ll need to tell you mums story of how that came about.
A bit of background… long background.
In my teen years mum always joked around that she wanted Another One Bites the Dust by Queen to be played at her funeral. She would go on about it, thinking she was hilarious.
On my 18th birthday, mum was sick. She was never sick and she hadn’t been well for a few days. She mustered up the strength to go out for dinner. A couple of days later she went to the doctors, her normal doctor was away so she seen another, he told her it was a virus. That night she ended up in hospital. My father had called the doctor afterhours and said he was taking her to the hospital. The doctor rang ahead to the hospital and told them it was just a virus. The hospital didn’t run any tests, they just sent her home. The next day, I’m not sure how she mustered the energy, but mum went back to the doctors, this time her regular Doctor was back. She took one look at mum and ordered full bloods. That night her Doctor turned up at our house and told us mum had Acute Myeloid Leukaemia, rang for an Ambulance and off she went to hospital.
It was a rough year. Mum was in hospital from April til November. We were told she was lucky to make through the initial night, that the leukaemia was well advanced. Pretty much straight away they started chemo. I would go to the hospital on my way home from work, then go home and get Jim (now husband) and then we’d go back to the hospital. Mum was extremely unwell. Her white cells were non existent and she developed a staff infection. She was lucky to survive that alone.
They had told her that she had 3 options - a bone marrow transplant or her own bone marrow to be removed treated and put back in or just chemo. Her brother was a perfect match for Bone Marrow. Mum had to do very intense rounds of chemo to be able to have the transplant. Some days she was so unwell, she would lie awake but couldn’t even muster the strength to open her eyes. She said later, that one day my nan was telling mums friends while visiting, that it didn’t look good and that she probably wouldn’t make it. Mum said she couldn’t open her eyes or speak but she was screaming on the inside “I’m not going to die!!!! I’m going to beat this” And that she did. She went down to Sydney to the Royal North Shore Hospital, all of 35kgs and underwent her transplant. She was weak and very unwell but she was determined. She was home by Christmas. Not once during that time did she even think she was going anywhere.
I only cried twice at the hospital. The first time - just at the entry of the room,I could look through a crack in the door to get a sneak peak of what today would bring. Her hair was mostly gone. I stopped myself going in, had a blubber, pulled myself together walked in and acted as per usual. The other was at RNS after her transplant, again I removed myself for my blubber. Mum didn’t have the strength to comfort me, I was there to bring energy and strength to her. Side note to remember if you’re visiting someone unwell - go with the intent of giving energy not taking it. I did cry. I cried myself to sleep every single night that she was in hospital.
After 10 years of ongoing tests mum was clear. During that time nearly every patient on her ward had passed away. It was tough for her. Tough living when they had passed and tough thinking, would she be next.
Fast Forward to 2015. In March I opened Preah Ko. Mum was so excited, she even worked a few Sundays for me. After a couple of months she wasn’t well, she was losing weight, she had this constant tickle in her throat. Off to the doctors. Mum was diagnosed with Oesophageal Cancer the tumour was blocking her oesophagus. A non drinker, non smoker with Oesphagel cancer. The doctors were bewildered. 23 years cancer free and she was back here.
We went out to dinner one night before chemo was to start. She had fish so she could mush it up small, the blockage pushed the food back out, spitting the food into her hands. Poor mum was in tears at the table, my tears came, It was just awful.
Mum was to start chemo as an outpatient this time. Chemo was on Tuesdays. Chemo Tuesday we called it, off we went. I would take her down, sit with her for the day. I’d take my laptop and we’d watch movies. She didn’t want to lose her hair this time, so she opted for a cold cap. The cold cap is designed to basically keep your head cool to stop the hair cells dying off. She’d sit there freezing, literally icicles hanging from the back of her head, shivering with layers of blankets on. Months of chemo finished then onto Radiation daily for 4 weeks. The tumour had shrunk, it was time for surgery. A huge operation - 10 hours, a trip in ICU and 3 weeks in hospital. Mums stomach had been removed and turned into an oesophagus, therefore her stomach was now vertical. That brought many of issues with eating. But as usual mum was determined. She pushed through. She was back on her feet and doing all the things she loved to do.
Now 2018 heading towards the end of the year. Mum was losing weight again. She hadn’t put on much since the surgery 3 years before but she was losing it again. She said if it were cancer again she wasn’t doing chemo this time. We went to specialists, the Doctor told her it was cancer and to go to Oncologist in a few weeks, which would be November. We walked out of the room and mum wasn’t reacting, there was nothing. The next week she went up to her mums in Coffs Harbour for a stay. I was in disbelief of her non reaction. She came back, my sister and I took her to the Oncologist. We knew it wasn’t going to be good. He showed us the scans. I couldn’t count the tumours that she had. Her torso was peppered with cancer. The look of terror and fear overtook her face. She was petrified. Over all the years of her illnesses I had never seen her like this. We all hugged, we held her tight. The Doctor left us to it. After 15 minutes or so the Doctor came back in and told mum her options. Chemo or go home and enjoy your time left. Mum pipes up and says - Chemo ! I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t ready for this again. I wanted to chuck a tanty - I did when I got home. Sometimes being intuitive is tough, I knew that it wasn’t going to work, I knew she didn’t have long. I didn’t want to do this again. I know I sound like an arse, but being the support person is tough too. And only people who have done it know that. It’s exhausting. Tanty over, time to care for mum. Off we went again to Chemo, for 3 months.
We knew it would be our last Christmas with mum. Granny was down staying with mum and helping look after her. In February we went back to the Oncologist for a review. He hadn’t been doing check up scans because he could feel a tumour through her neck, so he checked on that one to see if it was shrinking. So today was scan day - BANG up came the scan, I swear the Chemo had fed the tumours. Mums torso was nearly completed covered in tumours. Mums head went into her hands, she nearly hit the floor. If I thought she looked terrified before, it was nothing compared to this. It was just awful. One of the worst days of my life. The dumb bastard Dr offered her chemo again - she said “no, I’m going home !”
Granny stayed with mum, at 89 she’s a legend. She's so well. She helped look after mum, but after a few weeks we sent her home to rest. She knew she needed the rest but at the same time didn’t want to leave her daughter. Mum moved in with us. Granny came back and we all hung out together. I’d go for a walk every afternoon for time out. It was a lot. I took mum one day for bloods - not sure why. But it was time to talk about the tough stuff. What did she want at her funeral. We went through everything. She said she still wanted Another One Bites the Dust to be played. She wanted to have the service at Blackbutt with just her ashes there. We went over what she wanted to wear, flowers etc. Good, that’s the hard stuff done. But then another day, she near floored me. She was sitting up writing a list of all her accounts, bank, internet, email - everything. Writing out a list of them all and the passwords, like she was going on a holiday , but she wasn’t. She was talking me through it all. I sucked it up, all I wanted to do was cry, it was horrible.
A couple of weeks later after waking up - peeking through the door to see if mum was still breathing like I did every day. Mum said - “if it’s getting too much I’ll go to the hospice.” I said “when you can’t walk mum, that’s when I’ll call them”. Well low and behold, she couldn’t get up. She eventually did. I showered her, she was down below 30kgs, I could see every vertebrae on her back right through to the tip of her tailbone. She was struggling big time. I called the hospice. The Dr said - “you’ve done the right thing, you can just be a daughter again now.”
The hospice were amazing. The weeks went on. Granny was still staying at home, her and I would go down every day, all day. Jim and the girls would come of an afternoon. Mum had her mobile on her and decided to drug dial people of a night - all night. I got feedback and told her she was barred from the phone. She didn’t realise what time it was. The next day, Mum was having her afternoon nap. I had her phone down in the kitchen/rest area. Jim rings my phone and says “your mum just rang me” I said “how?, she doesn’t have a phone” He said “I don’t know but she did”. Mum had got one of the nurses to look up Jims work number and got them to put the call through. She loved him like her own son.
We had conversations over these weeks - one was “So mum, what are you going to show to us as?” We went through animals, feathers, coins etc. She settled on birds. We went through a whole range of birds. We got down the Kookaburra and Wren. She also asked me not to play Another one bites the Dust at her service as it may upset Granny.
The next week Granny and I came through the door and mums roommate pulled us aside and said mum had had a bad night. We went over to mum and asked what was going on. She said she had heard the doctors saying that she was going to die in the next day or so! One of her nurses came in, like us could see the distress on mums face and asked her what was wrong, mum told her the same thing! The nurse said “well Kerry if you were going to die today, I wouldn’t be talking to you, you’d be asleep and non verbal” What Mum overheard was - they were painting the ward and moving her over to the main hospital. She was still uneasy most of the day. Granny and my sister went down to the kitchen area I stayed with mum. I held her hand and asked her to meditate with me. Off we went. I know that we started by going down some stairs, through water, into a crystal cave - giving the crystals our worries. Then onto a stage, rising up from the stage seeing all our our loved ones below, a cord connected from us to them, cutting the cords, normally I would reconnect healthy cords, but with mum we let all the cords go and then I got mum to see her soul glowing and then a part of her soul glowing in everyone below. Then I got her to practice going up into the light, play around stay, come back, what ever she was comfortable with. We stayed up there a while. When I meditate with people I can often see what they are doing too, and I suppose being my mum, I had a strong connection, I could see exactly what she was doing. I can’t remember any of what we did, though I know it was beautiful. She came back from the meditation, looked at me, thanked me and said “I’m just a little but scared now”. That afternoon and the next day or so, I could see her drift off up there, I’d go with her. We would have conversations there. We’d open our eyes at the exact same time, she’d look at me and finish saying something from there. It was truly amazing. The day came to move rooms, she wasn’t well. I didn’t think she’d make the move. Of course she did, she’s stubborn and determined. In the afternoon she came to for a little while - she looked at Granny told her she loved her and thanked her. Then she turned to me and did the same. I told her I loved her, held her hand and gave her a hug. That night she was pretty settled, I told Granny we should go home and get some rest. Ohhhhh she was mad at me. I knew mum would be fine, that tomorrow would be the day. The nurse reassured her that she would call if anything changed. We were down at the hospital at 6am the next morning, mum was slightly alert, she knew we were there. The Doctor came in farewelled mum and thanked us for being able to look after her, one amazing doctor.
The day went on mum, was going but she wouldn’t let go. I sat, I meditated and jumped into where she was. I could talk to her there, we had conversations. I told her it was time to leave her body behind, that it was done. I said I can talk to you here but I can’t talk to physically now. With that she tried to speak physically, she was trying to talk. I would jump back in and say - “mum I can’t understand you, you have to talk to me here. Let go!” She wouldn’t. She hung on. Jim, the girls, my sister, Granny & I - we all chatted, we played hang man on the white board, we cried, we laughed, she would’ve loved it. I got everyone to sit, put a hand on the person next them and one on mum. We meditated, I asked everyone to lift her up, energetically and send her to the light, it was beautiful, to see her soul in ours. She still hung on. It was late afternoon, there were wrens playing outside the window, we all noticed. The room filled with relatives and friends who had passed, I could see them and feel them. She finally let go. We spent time with her, we loved her. I could still feel her in the room. I thought Granny would be there for hours. I felt mum leave, at that exact moment Granny stood up and said - “I’d like to go now.” When we got back home I was telling Jim about my conversations with mum, he said “I seen her trying to talk” and then Tay piped up and said she was also having conversations with her.
We had the funeral at Blackbutt as requested. At the start of the service Granny pulled me aside and asked me to play mums song. The service ended with Another One Bites the Dust , smiling and crying we honoured her. There were Kookaburras everywhere.
Mum wanted her ashes in Coffs Harbour near her dad and near where Granny would end up. She named the exact spot and it was available.
I see, hear or feel mum daily. Though last year on my birthday - nothing. Nothing in the morning. Driving to work I often see a kookaburra and say good morning mum - No Kookaburra. Nothing all day at work. That night we had tickets with the kids, to the Tim Tsyzu fight - Jim loves him, Me - fighting and an empath hmmmmm but it was fun. Still nothing from mum - oh well. Then the Tim Tsyzu fight is announced the opponent comes out, blaring his music. Then its Tims turn, he comes out and I hear BOOMP BOOMP BOOMP ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST … tears running down my face, ‘hey ma’. The only person in the place crying.
In January, we were camping at Glenbawn Dam as we do every year for 25 years. Mum would often come along. I went out for a ski and I broke my foot, sucking in deep breathes, counting my breathes, pain tapping, all those things weirdos do. Tays boyfriend Jye says ‘ Jeez Trace, you’re doing better than me, I’d be in tears’ I kept breathing - looked over at him and over his shoulder on the long grass were 2 wrens - tears x
We are never alone, even when we think we are, we aren’t. Look for the signs they are there. Every night at my house when every one is bed, I swear they all come and have a get together in my kitchen. The jug goes on, the lights flick, its very busy. I know now that that’s their thing and I leave them to it. If I stay late at the shop - the same thing, its gets to a certain time and that’s it, pack up and go. They want me out, it’s their time. I come in the next morning to feathers and things. I always acknowledge them and thank them xxx